A short confession from a parent (spoiler: it's me)

How measuring up my kids measures me as a parent.

We got Eva’s reading diagnostic scores from her teacher a few weeks ago. She is reading very well.

I wanted to share the good news with my parents, so I snapped a picture and sent it to them via WeChat. And then a part of me wondered: Would I have sent this picture if she had average scores? Less than average scores? Poor scores?

I wanted (and want) to say that I was simply trying to connect my family while we are miles apart. I want them to feel included and like they know what is happening in Eva’s life. And of course, we should celebrate great accomplishments! We should be proud.

But is there a part of me that sees these reading scores as a validation of my worth as a parent? I think there is.

And that line between celebrating my daughter and validating myself is so thin and so sneaky. But it’s there. And it’s so easy to cross over.

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I want to be a good parent (Who wants to be a bad parent?), and so often being a good parent means parenting a good student.

Isn’t that a sad reality? A good parent isn’t always linked to having a son who is strong, thoughtful, kind, and bold. A good parent isn’t always linked to having a daughter who is fearless, compassionate, generous, and witty.

Instead, in a metrics-driven society, it’s easy to use GPAs, SAT scores, and report cards to analyze the state of our children, and by extension, our identities as parents. And it’s so dangerous.

We all know that some people are terrible at taking tests, especially standardized ones, and that there are multiple ways to measure intelligence and success. More importantly, we know that doing well in school doesn’t translate to being a good person with good character.

I hope that as I continue to raise my two girls that I will measure my value as a parent not on how academically successful my children are, but by how much they love learning and how much they love to love others.

Questions for us to consider:

• If you’re not a parent: How can I celebrate my successes with friends? How can I share my failures? How can I start practicing this in my life now so that I don’t place my self-worth in only my successes?

• What are the things I celebrate in my child’s life? Is it only academic achievements? Or physical achievements (like winning a sports game)?

• Are there ways I can celebrate milestones for more intangible yet important character traits, like compassion, gentleness or boldness?

• How do I approach my children when they struggle with a subject or activity?

• Do I share with my children my own failures so that they know they don’t have to be perfect?

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